Sarayu's blog from "My Fried Life"

SARAYU’S BLOG
Frequently, at almost all points in time, my mind breaks into strings of multiple choices.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrGEBVpc_Tc

Off late life or death has been a slightly defeatist but recurring from time to time. I feel bad and somewhat ashamed of the thought, but it seems like a simpler way to not deal with the several complications that exist and will come about in the future. I keep trying to console myself remembering that ‘through enduring hardships we strengthen character and overcome previously accumulated bad karma’. And, apparently taking my life would give me even more bad karma, but if someone’s ready to do that, then I suppose they don’t care. I have not come to that point. As of now, it’s just a simple option.
The funny thing about my parents splitting is that the fun and carefree family situations, now at several points, are analyzed in grave detail. At several points I wonder if my father’s family sees my mother as the enemy and hence they are my enemies and times I wonder if my mother’s family sees my father as the enemy in which case they have to go through me. It’s troubling to be doubtful of family you are so fond of, because of a simple twist of fate.
I suppose that is the point one has to deal with. I have tried to be accepting of the situation and along the way confronting it little by little. The points of confrontation however, become rather taxing on my mind, where series of unpleasant thoughts fill my mind. If I try to express my thoughts to someone, it’s just a lot of problems. Firstly, in trying to explain myself, the translation of thoughts into comprehensible sentences take too long. Secondly, my thoughts at times, may not please many people, because of their content; be it practical reasons or the honesty of thoughts being displeasing. The practical face of the world tells me to move on with life and do what I’m supposed to, get a job and do it.
There is much criticism of the physical world which I could do, but the ‘practical’ side of me points to the world functioning and on the other hand, me who is immersed in my thoughts of peace and happiness and making the world a better place, but not being able to take care of simple things such as health and work and all the other responsibilities of today’s world.
Today’s functioning world has been around for a while now, only a short period in respect to the beginning of time, but much quicker in its race to the end. Combustion at a constantly increasing speed, burning faster and faster as it gets more and more ‘advanced’. The concern with the human mind seems to be less if at all existent. The focus on developing improved methods, technologies, gadgets, lifestyles and luxuries seem to drive us more than the state of our mind. “Are we happy?” is now an old question, and “No” is a normally accepted answer.
Media largely seems more concerned with engraining fears (from the news and movies and programs) and wants (from ads. and movies and programs). ‘Truth’ is a not a definite term. The truth as people trust it, from the news, is not intended to inform people any longer, it is to create an opinion. I believe that there was a point that the news used to inform people of what was happening around them, so that they could form their opinions based on their own experiences and unbiased information.
Films have shown how ‘crazy’ can be cool and how so many different little quirks can be connected to being crazy. I have seen quite a few films with imaginary friends and bizarre worlds and visualizations which I have thoroughly enjoyed. After a certain point I developed a secret desire to be schizophrenic, one of the inspirational films being ‘Fight Club’. I started looking for various things which would suggest that I was schizophrenic, though at the time I didn’t exactly know what schizophrenia dealt with. I developed a great interest in the human mind and its functioning around the time I was 12. I read books on body language and would study people’s behavior and try to analyze their state of mind. At some level it was intuitive or perceptive, being able to understand how people were actually feeling and thinking, and understanding their body language helped. Around 13 or 14 I started writing and swiftly moved from surface level, uninvolved writing to exploring a darker side which struck up more of an interest and seemed to bring me closer to those characters from the movies, who I had wanted to be like. The writing, at times morbid, troubled my parents and gave me a little satisfaction that my writing was able to touch someone. I explored the idea further through artistic expressions and concepts and stumbled across a fascinating storehouse of thoughts and ideas. I explored through experimentation almost all forms and walks of life that I interacted with or experienced. The medium of film and photography being the some of the most experimented with. Though again, an intense subject would cause strong reactions from people, often not through a clearly communicated narrative, but more through the feeling the film would create - its content and physical form. The reactions are a mix of good and bad, sometimes in trying to satisfy others want to be communicated to literally, I would end up reducing the feeling the film would create otherwise, which would create resentment. I don’t really care what they think, but now I have chosen to communicate the understanding of happiness and it’s been harder. I think if people try to read into it, they will read much deeper than the story and if they choose to try and enjoy it, they may find it entertaining, but if they close up and are intolerant they will be upset and hassled by the film. Considering the world we live in, with its mix of media, sights and sounds it is surprising that we are so easily hassled.
When it suits us, we can shut out the traffic, the weather, the million people around us, then it can’t be so hard to try and be happy.
Through complicated times, my faith has weaned, my drive and perseverance questioned. It has been hard and I feel defeated almost, a little depressed at times, but on the whole I am a happy person. I want to be happy and so I will try to be.