"Airport" – and then I had to go

It was the most tragic thing that happened then,
I really didn’t want to be anywhere else, except right there, next to him.
And how I wished I could cry, but strong I had to be,
There was no reason really but I left eventually.

Though it came and though I went,
And didn’t shed a tear,
Twas no emotion left, I wished to feel and in it was hidden fear
And from that fear in time there grew, the darkness very near.

I thought I had it all in check and now the time was right,
I was going, I had no choice, no putting up a fight.
I had to leave and forget behind,
The feelings that I had
For I knew, that though we wanted
“We’ll make it last, when we’re apart”
We were going to be sad.

And it would show in time,
For sure I knew,
And it did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvV6_bUb4nk

My Life in an egg

It’s been a while since I’ve been sitting here, feeling bored and dissatisfied. I can’t even understand how I’ve come to such a state. I remember, not very long ago nothing could get to me. I used to be happy all the time. Now, everything seems to be pricking my skin. There’s a constant heat in my head and it’s pressure like steam in a pressure cooker pushes my brains and squeezes them.
I find myself getting irritated much easier and little things, which would not affect me earlier, get me riled. I don’t want to be affected by these things. I wish I could be happy like I used to be. I feel the need to break out of my skin. It feels like it’s shrinking around me and suffocating. I need to breathe.
If I didn’t care about anything it would be easier. There was a time when I was in a really erratic state of mind and used to go through something like a panic attack. My mind would freeze and everything would go haywire. As I tried to understand it, I would get even more into a frenzy in my head and I wouldn’t be able to do anything, but submit to it and wait for it to stop. I was reminded of it when I read the book ‘Epileptic’ by David B. except it was as bad as an epileptic fit. In fact it was like ‘An Interview with you/ an interaction with Me’. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJtcjCTeBMs
Though I chanted nam-myo horenge kyo vigorously and believed that I could get over it and I did. I became independent and happy and aloof, a little detached like they say you should be in the Hindu philosophy. I was always happy and the happiness would spread to those around me. It was like they say, ‘Smile and the world smiles with you’. I chanted regularly and kept my spirits up and strong. I could deal with anything.
I try to remember that feeling and keep strong and constantly battle the complications that come my way. Lately, I’ve found a new problem that has surfaced and shown its ugly face to me. It has helped my life get sucked into the hole of unhappiness further. Insecurity. It’s a form I think the darkness has assumed. I thought I had overcome the darkness when I was over that unhappy stage of my life.
I suppose the struggle never really stops, but it makes you stronger. I have been trying to get back to chanting, but to no avail. I never seem to find time and there are so many complications which find their way to me. Since the time I was really happy and met the Boy and it got serious. I had a choice then whether to dare to start caring about something or someone. And I did. I started caring and it felt like I was born again, feeling again. However, emotions and feelings are really powerful things which colour living and make it even more volatile.
I don’t want to stop feeling, but it’s hard to deal with feeling.
The Boy is so far away it’s so hard and it’s adding to my complications as they keep building up. I’m trying to keep it together.