Whose lips are those?

Recently, I was sitting with some friends, amused as they jumped about in front of the television which had a pair of lips on it and the grand prize winner would be the one to guess the person whose lips they are. This was amusing as they guessed who it was and then they convinced one person to lend his phone to call. Upon connecting he found himself in a waiting lounge. All the callers who got through would guess the wrong answer and the list of callers waiting kept going down. Patiently, then excitedly waiting, he clung to the phone and when there was only one caller left he was jumping about, because by now, everyone was sure those were Aishwarya Rai’s lips and the callers seemed to guess the most obscure names except hers. The clock was ticking louder. An alarm was sounded and a red light started flashing. It sounded like there was a fire somewhere and there was a need to hurry. As I watched this, the last caller was put on and it wasn’t my friend. He was disappointed, but didn’t give up and as he clung to the phone and waited a while, the list with only one caller left, after a while magically became the last 20 callers. They tempted people by saying that the next caller would get 5,000 just for getting through. After a point, the person whose phone it was realized he would have to take it away before there was no balance left. At Rs. 20/ minute, he proved the skeptics correct that the program was a fake, nobody actually gets through and all the callers are fake. After spending an hour of analysis, I managed to convince the 2% of myself that believed the program was not staged, that it was in fact staged. At this point I also realized that, though I didn’t believe in the program I had just been fooled into watching it in the process of trying to figure if it was real. I can’t say for sure, but I know it’s a solid scheme to make money if tons of people around the country, who believe will watch and spend Rs. 20/min. calling all at the same time and there are tons more people watching to see if it’s real or not.

Breathing Fire

The pleasure of entertainment seems to exceed the value of humans. The ability to twist people’s mind is being able to exceed itself way beyond its assumed limits, be it through temptation of money, fame or through a sequence of images and the voice that forms your “truth”, lifestyles and behavioral patterns to aspire for.
The creation and molding of needs, wants, thoughts, ideals, spirit, hope, aspirations lying in the hands of responsible film-makers and television program producers, authors, editors, visual communication artists and designers, is scary almost.
The news is now an entertainment program with hype and sizzling hot garbage flooding a large amount of the air time, and page space to help scare the people into believing anything under the sun and want anything even that which they don’t need.
To think that there are so many programs being produced to cause complications in people’s life and relationships, trample their self-esteem, give up their sense of self, the extent of the achievable outcome almost unimaginable. At the cost of entertainment, the thrill of reality, and a whole lot of money, television and media have decided to turn the world around and the funniest thing is, nobody cares, well almost nobody. It feels like there’s a world which is being twisted, people are enjoying it and either nobody realizes or they’ve been brainwashed and just continue watching. It’s not an open-mind, it’s not free love and it sure as hell isn’t world peace.

While growing up with an open-minded approach to life, I formed a code for myself, ‘Enjoy yourself as much as you want as long as it doesn’t encroach upon or cause harm to others.’

“When the truth is found to be lies, all the joy within you dies.” – Somebody to Love by Jefferson Airplane

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZ8C97Mj8qo

"the Anti-Christ"

I think I may actually have some kind of disorder. I always thought it was cool. But now it’s just scary. I don’t know if it’s actually something I should be worried about. Is it eating me up slowly? Will I slowly become less and less functional, like the guy in the book ‘Epileptic’ by David B.? Will I suddenly realize that my life’s been turned around by someone like Tyler Durdan? Have I got an imaginary friend who’s been secretly locked up in a green jack-the-box and will spring himself on me later? Will I lose complete control of my mind? Is the substance releasing it? Am I abusing substance?
Yesterday, I came home drunk and made a big scene in front of my whole family. It‘s Christmas time and we’ve been at my grandmum’s place. Family reunion. Happy and joyful it’s supposed to be. Though they feel I’m wasting my time and life fooling around and partying and getting drunk. My mother was getting grilled about it, when I arrived, drunk. I had no clue. In some odd way, the tension gave way and I saw my grandmother upset. In my drunken, happy state I went to console her. Everything flipped when she said it was my fault and that my mother had been getting grilled because of my callous attitude towards life. It became ugly. I took off on a series of hurtful things to say and didn’t want to see my family again.
My father was also there and I had a huge fight with him. He left early in the morning.
I woke up and the flared ego had shrunk with the effect of the alcohol wearing off. I felt like such a fool. But, a lot of pent up emotion had come gushing out in flaring rage. Saying things that I didn’t mean, behaving in a way that wasn’t me. I didn’t know where to look or what to say, but my family were very understanding and let it pass as a drunken fit in tough times.
The Anti-Christ had shown his dark face again and brought about chaos and insecurity once again. I was opened up and completely vulnerable, but brought back down to earth. I am thankful to the protective forces, the shoten zenjin for keeping me safe and watching over me.
In this time, the emergence of darkness again, I realized that there was a drastic change that I had undergone. I am thankful to the Anti-Christ for showing me the side of me, that isn’t me. And in doing so, showing me who I am, to awake afresh to greet the new dawn.
“It is darkest before dawn.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-trXfv5Qbg

Collages

It’s grown to be a very important metaphor for me to describe things today. Things could be anything, so I shall proceed to cite examples. The first being - me. I would say that like a lot of people of today, I am a collage. A collaged mix of different characteristics, beliefs, thoughts, views, experiences etc. I have been picking up different aspects of different cultures from the different places I have been to and lived in. That’s three times different, but it all comes together in one sentence. In the same way, I comprise of different pieces, some overlapping, some getting more attention than others and over the years, layers being added on. Somewhere along the way there have been pieces of me which have got covered up in the collaging process, which I may find only if I scratch at the surface and reveal what was.
The physicality of the collage lets me find so many answers to myself. The impulse which drives me at points may need to be accounted for by the pieces placed around it or additional illustration or decoration. Or, to simply focus on another part as soon as I sense slight dissatisfaction.
It is easy to do that, given that every time I walk down the road, or am stuck in my car at a crossing, there are so many things for me to see, sense and think about, and I choose to focus on what I feel is relevant at the point. My eyes (and directly my thoughts) can move from one thing to the stringing together some sense and sometimes none related. The most marvelous thing I feel is the ability to shut off all other things, for those few moments, and ignorance is bliss.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyaWw8rx7eQ

At various points multiple choice breaks out.
Ads. that lets me block out the rest of the choices and focus on one, fascinate me.

Started writing again – 23/12/2009

Songe-Moller. The name has been resounding in my head, possibly with subconscious intent of reading the book “Philosophy Without Women”. The name itself struck my interest, the moment I saw it on a friend’s list of top 10 books. I borrowed it from her, but haven’t yet managed to read it.
With a break for Christmas and my tiresome-taxing quest to understand and communicate happiness coming to a close, I can focus on:
Reading, writing and experiencing without hesitation whatever it is I choose to at that moment. That is of course, after I can overlook the word ‘close’ and continue writing.

"Through the Mirror"

Off late, I’ve been spending a lot of time in another world, uncovering thoughts and places I didn’t know existed in my head. When I was ready, I followed the voices and the smiling face of Playful Nature and went through the mirror, to find out what lay beyond.
Through paths I feel I cannot explain, I walked and in search of happiness returned to the same point again. I followed her down the same paths again and again, happy for a while. I knew I was getting closer to something but always found myself where I had left off with little change.
Time and again, I chanced upon a little man, Old Man Yoda, he said his name was. He spoke wisely as was expected, voicing words very much like my own. Though the way he spoke was funny, his words made sense to me. I would have said the same to myself if I were as preachy.
With him at times there was a man in a long black coat. His story was a little hard to understand, for of things that had happened in the future, he spoke. He said there was another him whom I would meet and had met before. He said he was Alter Ego of the Anti-Christ that once was. He said I knew this Anti-Christ and had overcome him before.
I was sure he had me confused with someone else. However, patient as I am, I listened to what they had to say. They said the Anti-Christ is dead. Killed by his alter ego, Alter Ego, who stood before me then.
As if that wasn’t confusing enough, they said he’d emerge again and that I would kill him. This horrific thought I didn’t believe, but it troubled me immensely.
I went off again following Playful Nature, for her sweetleaf I did enjoy. And at some point I suppose, she brought me back to reality, just like she always did.

Through the Mirror: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOGycwt0LXs
Old Man Yoda: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7CRMEEyMjU
Playful Nature: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56P4XLdL8wc

"Thumper"

Thumper. I can’t help but think of the rabbit every time I hear the name. It may take time to get used to. Everytime I look at him, I can’t help but picture a rabbit’s head on him. I know he’s human, but he has a rabbit’s head. It is a little odd.
I’ve seen him quite a few times now and he still has a rabbit head. I can’t really tell what he’s actually like though. Can’t see through the rabbit head. He tries to be nice, but there’s something shady. There seems like there’s something darker waiting within.
He makes mum happy and I suppose that’s what counts. But, what about the people he’s making unhappy? Is doing what they’re doing right? Isn’t there some institution which they are supposed to follow? Or am I holding too strongly to preconceived notions, but that’s what I’ve grown up with and been taught.
He seems…umm…alright.
He does take a lot of trouble and my mum and him seem quite happy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4aHQJhPJkQ

"Mum feels"

Mum said there was nothing on between Thumper and her. I believed her. I saw them getting closer, but I didn’t stop them. I don’t know why.
It’s too late to stop it now. My mum says, when she was sick and was going to die, there was nobody by her side. Then, Thumper came and stood by her and made sure everything ran smoothly and took care of her. She owes him her life and she understood how much he cares for her. She’d been alone and finally found the kind of love and care she’d been looking for. Maybe if Dad had done that.
She says happy now. She wants to be with Thumper.
I wonder if I will hear people talking to me in my head. I wonder if I’ll see some imaginary person. Or several imaginary people just pop out of my head and then it will all make sense where the racket’s been coming from. Everything would make sense. If I had some kind of psychological disorder like in the movies. Disorder. Disorder. Disorrrdah!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTuXz5eaIkA

"Dad called"

I got an enquiring phone call from Dad. I think he’s caught on that something’s on. People have been saying a whole lot of stuff. Making his life miserable, with rumors and their opinions.
Mum said there was nothing on, when I asked and I told him that. He didn’t seem too convinced. I tried to convince him that there’s nothing happening. It would just eat him up, sitting so far away if I let him know that I’m not so convinced of what I was saying myself.
Dad knows. It’s silly for me to have not seen it. It was so obvious. I feel like a fool and worse. I feel guilty for doing this to my father. He was so hurt. “Why didn’t you tell me?” the question always ringing at the back of my head. To think that my own mother would do something like that..I’ve lost my faith in the sanctity of marriage.
Anyway, it would too hard for him to be with my mother again, after the way things have turned out. It would make him too insecure. Though his insecurity’s been tested in the past, I was too young to judge or be sure. But this is out in the open, and this is for sure. Like a smack on his face.
The banging in my head’s got louder. Blocking it out is clouding my vision of daily life. I stop to try and hear voices, but I can’t. I wonder if I’m going crazy. There must be some kind of way out of here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lU5bDpqDuhk

Back to my Fried Life

The times they are a changing and they are just getting worse and worse. I feel like going back to my Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson times, with Rage (R.A.T.M.) and others blaring and release. Ahhhhhh!!!!! But, all that’s in my head. A thing of the past.
There’s a knocking on the door and it’s banging hard, inside my head. I think there’s something inside my head trying to get out. Met someone when I went home yesterday, my mum’s friend from college. I’m so sure there’s something going to happen. I can feel the fishy vibes and they are eating me up. I don’t know if I should tell my dad or not. May just cause him to worry for no reason. At the same time, maybe I should talk to my mother, maybe she doesn’t know what she’s doing. But, she’s a big girl, she can take care of herself. I think I should just mind my own business.
As it is there’s enough going on in my life. The college and no more talking to the Boy. The complications are a little too much to hold within my little head it’s swelling or even splitting. It’s going to go boom soon. Splattered across the wall…aaaaaahhhhh!!!!!
Ok. Calm. Peace. Don’t think like that. I can get through it. Be strong. Nam-myo horenge kyo.

Sarayu's blog from "My Fried Life"

SARAYU’S BLOG
Frequently, at almost all points in time, my mind breaks into strings of multiple choices.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrGEBVpc_Tc

Off late life or death has been a slightly defeatist but recurring from time to time. I feel bad and somewhat ashamed of the thought, but it seems like a simpler way to not deal with the several complications that exist and will come about in the future. I keep trying to console myself remembering that ‘through enduring hardships we strengthen character and overcome previously accumulated bad karma’. And, apparently taking my life would give me even more bad karma, but if someone’s ready to do that, then I suppose they don’t care. I have not come to that point. As of now, it’s just a simple option.
The funny thing about my parents splitting is that the fun and carefree family situations, now at several points, are analyzed in grave detail. At several points I wonder if my father’s family sees my mother as the enemy and hence they are my enemies and times I wonder if my mother’s family sees my father as the enemy in which case they have to go through me. It’s troubling to be doubtful of family you are so fond of, because of a simple twist of fate.
I suppose that is the point one has to deal with. I have tried to be accepting of the situation and along the way confronting it little by little. The points of confrontation however, become rather taxing on my mind, where series of unpleasant thoughts fill my mind. If I try to express my thoughts to someone, it’s just a lot of problems. Firstly, in trying to explain myself, the translation of thoughts into comprehensible sentences take too long. Secondly, my thoughts at times, may not please many people, because of their content; be it practical reasons or the honesty of thoughts being displeasing. The practical face of the world tells me to move on with life and do what I’m supposed to, get a job and do it.
There is much criticism of the physical world which I could do, but the ‘practical’ side of me points to the world functioning and on the other hand, me who is immersed in my thoughts of peace and happiness and making the world a better place, but not being able to take care of simple things such as health and work and all the other responsibilities of today’s world.
Today’s functioning world has been around for a while now, only a short period in respect to the beginning of time, but much quicker in its race to the end. Combustion at a constantly increasing speed, burning faster and faster as it gets more and more ‘advanced’. The concern with the human mind seems to be less if at all existent. The focus on developing improved methods, technologies, gadgets, lifestyles and luxuries seem to drive us more than the state of our mind. “Are we happy?” is now an old question, and “No” is a normally accepted answer.
Media largely seems more concerned with engraining fears (from the news and movies and programs) and wants (from ads. and movies and programs). ‘Truth’ is a not a definite term. The truth as people trust it, from the news, is not intended to inform people any longer, it is to create an opinion. I believe that there was a point that the news used to inform people of what was happening around them, so that they could form their opinions based on their own experiences and unbiased information.
Films have shown how ‘crazy’ can be cool and how so many different little quirks can be connected to being crazy. I have seen quite a few films with imaginary friends and bizarre worlds and visualizations which I have thoroughly enjoyed. After a certain point I developed a secret desire to be schizophrenic, one of the inspirational films being ‘Fight Club’. I started looking for various things which would suggest that I was schizophrenic, though at the time I didn’t exactly know what schizophrenia dealt with. I developed a great interest in the human mind and its functioning around the time I was 12. I read books on body language and would study people’s behavior and try to analyze their state of mind. At some level it was intuitive or perceptive, being able to understand how people were actually feeling and thinking, and understanding their body language helped. Around 13 or 14 I started writing and swiftly moved from surface level, uninvolved writing to exploring a darker side which struck up more of an interest and seemed to bring me closer to those characters from the movies, who I had wanted to be like. The writing, at times morbid, troubled my parents and gave me a little satisfaction that my writing was able to touch someone. I explored the idea further through artistic expressions and concepts and stumbled across a fascinating storehouse of thoughts and ideas. I explored through experimentation almost all forms and walks of life that I interacted with or experienced. The medium of film and photography being the some of the most experimented with. Though again, an intense subject would cause strong reactions from people, often not through a clearly communicated narrative, but more through the feeling the film would create - its content and physical form. The reactions are a mix of good and bad, sometimes in trying to satisfy others want to be communicated to literally, I would end up reducing the feeling the film would create otherwise, which would create resentment. I don’t really care what they think, but now I have chosen to communicate the understanding of happiness and it’s been harder. I think if people try to read into it, they will read much deeper than the story and if they choose to try and enjoy it, they may find it entertaining, but if they close up and are intolerant they will be upset and hassled by the film. Considering the world we live in, with its mix of media, sights and sounds it is surprising that we are so easily hassled.
When it suits us, we can shut out the traffic, the weather, the million people around us, then it can’t be so hard to try and be happy.
Through complicated times, my faith has weaned, my drive and perseverance questioned. It has been hard and I feel defeated almost, a little depressed at times, but on the whole I am a happy person. I want to be happy and so I will try to be.

"Airport" – and then I had to go

It was the most tragic thing that happened then,
I really didn’t want to be anywhere else, except right there, next to him.
And how I wished I could cry, but strong I had to be,
There was no reason really but I left eventually.

Though it came and though I went,
And didn’t shed a tear,
Twas no emotion left, I wished to feel and in it was hidden fear
And from that fear in time there grew, the darkness very near.

I thought I had it all in check and now the time was right,
I was going, I had no choice, no putting up a fight.
I had to leave and forget behind,
The feelings that I had
For I knew, that though we wanted
“We’ll make it last, when we’re apart”
We were going to be sad.

And it would show in time,
For sure I knew,
And it did.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvV6_bUb4nk

My Life in an egg

It’s been a while since I’ve been sitting here, feeling bored and dissatisfied. I can’t even understand how I’ve come to such a state. I remember, not very long ago nothing could get to me. I used to be happy all the time. Now, everything seems to be pricking my skin. There’s a constant heat in my head and it’s pressure like steam in a pressure cooker pushes my brains and squeezes them.
I find myself getting irritated much easier and little things, which would not affect me earlier, get me riled. I don’t want to be affected by these things. I wish I could be happy like I used to be. I feel the need to break out of my skin. It feels like it’s shrinking around me and suffocating. I need to breathe.
If I didn’t care about anything it would be easier. There was a time when I was in a really erratic state of mind and used to go through something like a panic attack. My mind would freeze and everything would go haywire. As I tried to understand it, I would get even more into a frenzy in my head and I wouldn’t be able to do anything, but submit to it and wait for it to stop. I was reminded of it when I read the book ‘Epileptic’ by David B. except it was as bad as an epileptic fit. In fact it was like ‘An Interview with you/ an interaction with Me’. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJtcjCTeBMs
Though I chanted nam-myo horenge kyo vigorously and believed that I could get over it and I did. I became independent and happy and aloof, a little detached like they say you should be in the Hindu philosophy. I was always happy and the happiness would spread to those around me. It was like they say, ‘Smile and the world smiles with you’. I chanted regularly and kept my spirits up and strong. I could deal with anything.
I try to remember that feeling and keep strong and constantly battle the complications that come my way. Lately, I’ve found a new problem that has surfaced and shown its ugly face to me. It has helped my life get sucked into the hole of unhappiness further. Insecurity. It’s a form I think the darkness has assumed. I thought I had overcome the darkness when I was over that unhappy stage of my life.
I suppose the struggle never really stops, but it makes you stronger. I have been trying to get back to chanting, but to no avail. I never seem to find time and there are so many complications which find their way to me. Since the time I was really happy and met the Boy and it got serious. I had a choice then whether to dare to start caring about something or someone. And I did. I started caring and it felt like I was born again, feeling again. However, emotions and feelings are really powerful things which colour living and make it even more volatile.
I don’t want to stop feeling, but it’s hard to deal with feeling.
The Boy is so far away it’s so hard and it’s adding to my complications as they keep building up. I’m trying to keep it together.

a youtube collage

I have made a little interactive story with some short films from www.youtube.com...
the film is at Be er: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKfwfxdw3JM

Check it out and tell me what you think!!

Appreciation 02 - appreciating light

for more illustrative properties of light :

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=140233&id=731875691&l=b25732d88f

: )

All we need is love (pulp)

As we get used to things, we take them for granted - trying to understand and appeciate 01

light in mood

My mind-map on Happiness : )

"Fun World" : )

Like a merry-go-round, we went round and round smiling and laughing.
And it was all fun and playful.
We smiled and played games, ate popcorn
And enjoyed the new smells and colours that excited our senses.
We smiled and kept our sunglasses on.

We were both not sure how long it would last
How serious and how it moved so fast
Then the ground turned on its side,
It was scary when we realized
A bit, like a ferrace wheel ride

But then he held me close,
Not that it made me less scared, but it was comforting.
Then he gave me what I love most –
Ice cream and popcorn.

And we walked about happily,
Hand in hand, amused at all we saw
Smiling and looking around gleefully
Everything fascinating, nothing was a bore.
All the time we spent together had so much fun for me.
We wouldn’t have to do a thing and still be happy happy : )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6NLcRTXz_s

Why do people talk smart?

Why is it that there is a large amount of information about various things around, which people seem to know, or at least talk very confidently about.
If I listen closer, there is a lot I can learn.
As I listen, I can hear more talk, but I wonder how much do they really know about it.
Some information comes from books, some from the internet, television, word of mouth etc.

How much do they really know about these things they are talking about? Have they actually experienced it? Have they read about it, seen a program on it in some form of media?
How much information does that media provide? How much can you really know about it?
Have they spent time to understand these things they talk so confidently about?
Do they understand themselves? Have they spent time thinking about it? Do they still question or do they have enough to keep them occupied?
Is it enough to run through life, doing what it is that you 'need' to do and moving from one to the next? Keep up the pace. Rush. Hurry. or can you STOP.
Think?
Reflect?
What was it that caused me to say that, or do that or feel like that?

From the finishing line - an individual

Self. Peace. Happiness. Success. Struggle. Doubt. Obstacles. Struggle. Opportunity. Growth. Learning. Exposure. Circumstance. Youth. Unaware. Uninhibited. Birth.

It could be a little more complicated - endurance : )

Happiness. Peace. Realization. Understanding. Questioning. Reflection. Success. Reaffirmed faith. Growth. Self-Reflection. Doubt. Struggle. Doubt. Obstacles. Obstacles. Struggle. Doubt. Failure. Doubt. Obstacles. Opportunity. Growth. Success. Struggle. Opportunity. Growth. Learning. Circumstance. Birth.

It could be fairly simple.

Understanding. Reflection. Reaction. Situation.
Peace. Wisdom. Confrontation. Circumstance.

Sketches - sights, sounds, moods and play

Me and my world - moods

I can be fairly dramatic at times

But a happy face, works the best for me : )

Hi!

Hi,
I am Sarayu. My life has been generated to help ensure the future's brightness and happiness.
So this is my blog. It's got the necessary information to understand the process of my working - thoughts, sketches, plans, ideas, diary entries etc. This blog will follow the development of my world.

I have been thinking for a long time, about very profoud thoughts. I spent the last 7-8 months trying to understand my life completely and openly as well as those around me. I have come close to a form in which I can represent my life and am working on it.
The purpose of my life - to bring about peace and happiness throughout the world. How that happens is for you to understand. I cannot tell you, only you can find it for yourself.

I've found it!!! THE SECRET OF HAPPINESS ...translating it into a decipherable form with the help of some friends...

- Sarayu