is fascination a luxurious gaze?

I find it rather calming to look around and walk about observing and being fascinated by all that surrounds me. As a child I used walk with my mother for hours, while she shopped. Everywhere I looked there was so much to see.
I look around and there are things that still catch my fancy, just the pleasure of walking past an open corn field with the trainline in the distance as the sun is soft and the breeze is blowing. Suddenly, I hear this voice "Hurry! You're wasting time. There are things to be done, places to be. What are YOU doing? Do something! Times are changing. The world is CHANGING. FAST!"
I look around and see there are lots of people walking in their own directions, each with their purpose, with some WORK TO DO!! There are things to buy, mouths to feed, more to work, more to earn, more to buy, more to achieve, more to follow, more to want, more to buy, less to live.
Don't think. Keep moving. Faster. Keep going. "You wouldn't think like this if you had to struggle" "It's because you don't have problems" "You don't have a purpose!"
"It's a fool's job to think. - I mean to think about the ways of the world. Nothing can be done about it. So don't think, just do. Do some work."

So I stop. My head is throbbing. Can nobody see that living is gone. William Blake said "Nothing is lost." So let's move on. Is that what we're doing?

When I think of living today, I'm reminded of a star that starts combusting faster and faster to completely consume itself.

Foreword to 'the Green Box of Sarayu' by the Boy

Sarayu's story has been told through her blog and related video illustrations which are linked to it.
The video illustrations are like emotionally driven representations of Sarayu's recollection at the time. They help understand her story and her better. They have been associated with entries made by Sarayu at different points in time.
The form of the film about her is in different styles and using different music she listens to and essentially trying to represent her character through the form. From the drama and fantasy to hap hazard and magical. Also a little crazy : ) but she's the sweetest.

The Green Box is one of many boxes which Sarayu owns, full of several little things collected over time. It has many memory related objects such as ticket stubs (flight, bus, movie, amusement park), photographs, jewelerry and other little things.
She said they take her back to memories of certain times in her life which are associated with those objects.

The Green Box of Sarayu intends to help you read Sarayu's story through her perspective incorporating her character and personality.
The selected box, though it contains conflict and struggles for her, is about her overcoming them and growing into a new person stronger than before.

I've written and illustrated a little book about the making of the film. It's called "Oh Well - the Sarayu process book".

The meaning of 'Sarayu' is to blow or flow like wind or water. It is also a river which flows around legendary town of Ayodhya.

"An introduction to Sarayu's world"

A world of fragments. A world of collages, made with layers picked up along the way from parents, friends, sights, sounds, movies, songs and the works, racing Time and Money. Hope to draw the best of all worlds to make a wholesome and happy me : )

Have been trying to represent my life and times and it's taken the form of a collage

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyaWw8rx7eQ

"the Anti-Christ"

I think I may actually have some kind of disorder. I always thought it was cool. But now it’s just scary. I don’t know if it’s actually something I should be worried about. Is it eating me up slowly? Will I slowly become less and less functional, like the guy in the book ‘Epileptic’ by David B.? Will I suddenly realize that my life’s been turned around by someone like Tyler Durdan? Have I got an imaginary friend who’s been secretly locked up in a green jack-the-box and will spring himself on me later? Will I lose complete control of my mind? Is the substance releasing it? Am I abusing substance?
Yesterday, I came home drunk and made a big scene in front of my whole family. It‘s Christmas time and we’ve been at my grandmum’s place. Family reunion. Happy and joyful it’s supposed to be. Though they feel I’m wasting my time and life fooling around and partying and getting drunk. My mother was getting grilled about it, when I arrived, drunk. I had no clue. In some odd way, the tension gave way and I saw my grandmother upset. In my drunken, happy state I went to console her. Everything flipped when she said it was my fault and that my mother had been getting grilled because of my callous attitude towards life. It became ugly. I took off on a series of hurtful things to say and didn’t want to see my family again.
My father was also there and I had a huge fight with him. He left early in the morning.
I woke up and the flared ego had shrunk with the effect of the alcohol wearing off. I felt like such a fool. But, a lot of pent up emotion had come gushing out in flaring rage. Saying things that I didn’t mean, behaving in a way that wasn’t me. I didn’t know where to look or what to say, but my family were very understanding and let it pass as a drunken fit in tough times.
The Anti-Christ had shown his dark face again and brought about chaos and insecurity once again. I was opened up and completely vulnerable, but brought back down to earth. I am thankful to the protective forces, the shoten zenjin for keeping me safe and watching over me.
In this time, the emergence of darkness again, I realized that there was a drastic change that I had undergone. I am thankful to the Anti-Christ for showing me the side of me, that isn’t me. And in doing so, showing me who I am, to awake afresh to greet the new dawn.
“It is darkest before dawn.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-trXfv5Qbg

"Through the Mirror"

Off late, I’ve been spending a lot of time in another world, uncovering thoughts and places I didn’t know existed in my head. When I was ready, I followed the voices and the smiling face of Playful Nature and went through the mirror, to find out what lay beyond.
Through paths I feel I cannot explain, I walked and in search of happiness returned to the same point again. I followed her down the same paths again and again, happy for a while. I knew I was getting closer to something but always found myself where I had left off with little change.
Time and again, I chanced upon a little man, Old Man Yoda, he said his name was. He spoke wisely as was expected, voicing words very much like my own. Though the way he spoke was funny, his words made sense to me. I would have said the same to myself if I were as preachy.
With him at times there was a man in a long black coat. His story was a little hard to understand, for of things that had happened in the future, he spoke. He said there was another him whom I would meet and had met before. He said he was Alter Ego of the Anti-Christ that once was. He said I knew this Anti-Christ and had overcome him before.
I was sure he had me confused with someone else. However, patient as I am, I listened to what they had to say. They said the Anti-Christ is dead. Killed by his alter ego, Alter Ego, who stood before me then.
As if that wasn’t confusing enough, they said he’d emerge again and that I would kill him. This horrific thought I didn’t believe, but it troubled me immensely.
I went off again following Playful Nature, for her sweetleaf I did enjoy. And at some point I suppose, she brought me back to reality, just like she always did.

Through the Mirror: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOGycwt0LXs
Old Man Yoda: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7CRMEEyMjU
Playful Nature: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56P4XLdL8wc

"Thumper"

Thumper. I can’t help but think of the rabbit every time I hear the name. It may take time to get used to. Everytime I look at him, I can’t help but picture a rabbit’s head on him. I know he’s human, but he has a rabbit’s head. It is a little odd.
I’ve seen him quite a few times now and he still has a rabbit head. I can’t really tell what he’s actually like though. Can’t see through the rabbit head. He tries to be nice, but there’s something shady. There seems like there’s something darker waiting within.
He makes mum happy and I suppose that’s what counts. But, what about the people he’s making unhappy? Is doing what they’re doing right? Isn’t there some institution which they are supposed to follow? Or am I holding too strongly to preconceived notions, but that’s what I’ve grown up with and been taught.
He seems…umm…alright.
He does take a lot of trouble and my mum and him seem quite happy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4aHQJhPJkQ

"Mum feels"

Mum said there was nothing on between Thumper and her. I believed her. I saw them getting closer, but I didn’t stop them. I don’t know why.
It’s too late to stop it now. My mum says, when she was sick and was going to die, there was nobody by her side. Then, Thumper came and stood by her and made sure everything ran smoothly and took care of her. She owes him her life and she understood how much he cares for her. She’d been alone and finally found the kind of love and care she’d been looking for. Maybe if Dad had done that.
She says happy now. She wants to be with Thumper.
I wonder if I will hear people talking to me in my head. I wonder if I’ll see some imaginary person. Or several imaginary people just pop out of my head and then it will all make sense where the racket’s been coming from. Everything would make sense. If I had some kind of psychological disorder like in the movies. Disorder. Disorder. Disorrrdah!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTuXz5eaIkA

"Dad called"

I got an enquiring phone call from Dad. I think he’s caught on that something’s on. People have been saying a whole lot of stuff. Making his life miserable, with rumors and their opinions.
Mum said there was nothing on, when I asked and I told him that. He didn’t seem too convinced. I tried to convince him that there’s nothing happening. It would just eat him up, sitting so far away if I let him know that I’m not so convinced of what I was saying myself.
Dad knows. It’s silly for me to have not seen it. It was so obvious. I feel like a fool and worse. I feel guilty for doing this to my father. He was so hurt. “Why didn’t you tell me?” the question always ringing at the back of my head. To think that my own mother would do something like that..I’ve lost my faith in the sanctity of marriage.
Anyway, it would too hard for him to be with my mother again, after the way things have turned out. It would make him too insecure. Though his insecurity’s been tested in the past, I was too young to judge or be sure. But this is out in the open, and this is for sure. Like a smack on his face.
The banging in my head’s got louder. Blocking it out is clouding my vision of daily life. I stop to try and hear voices, but I can’t. I wonder if I’m going crazy. There must be some kind of way out of here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lU5bDpqDuhk

Sarayu's blog from "My Fried Life"

SARAYU’S BLOG
Frequently, at almost all points in time, my mind breaks into strings of multiple choices.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrGEBVpc_Tc

Off late life or death has been a slightly defeatist but recurring from time to time. I feel bad and somewhat ashamed of the thought, but it seems like a simpler way to not deal with the several complications that exist and will come about in the future. I keep trying to console myself remembering that ‘through enduring hardships we strengthen character and overcome previously accumulated bad karma’. And, apparently taking my life would give me even more bad karma, but if someone’s ready to do that, then I suppose they don’t care. I have not come to that point. As of now, it’s just a simple option.
The funny thing about my parents splitting is that the fun and carefree family situations, now at several points, are analyzed in grave detail. At several points I wonder if my father’s family sees my mother as the enemy and hence they are my enemies and times I wonder if my mother’s family sees my father as the enemy in which case they have to go through me. It’s troubling to be doubtful of family you are so fond of, because of a simple twist of fate.
I suppose that is the point one has to deal with. I have tried to be accepting of the situation and along the way confronting it little by little. The points of confrontation however, become rather taxing on my mind, where series of unpleasant thoughts fill my mind. If I try to express my thoughts to someone, it’s just a lot of problems. Firstly, in trying to explain myself, the translation of thoughts into comprehensible sentences take too long. Secondly, my thoughts at times, may not please many people, because of their content; be it practical reasons or the honesty of thoughts being displeasing. The practical face of the world tells me to move on with life and do what I’m supposed to, get a job and do it.
There is much criticism of the physical world which I could do, but the ‘practical’ side of me points to the world functioning and on the other hand, me who is immersed in my thoughts of peace and happiness and making the world a better place, but not being able to take care of simple things such as health and work and all the other responsibilities of today’s world.
Today’s functioning world has been around for a while now, only a short period in respect to the beginning of time, but much quicker in its race to the end. Combustion at a constantly increasing speed, burning faster and faster as it gets more and more ‘advanced’. The concern with the human mind seems to be less if at all existent. The focus on developing improved methods, technologies, gadgets, lifestyles and luxuries seem to drive us more than the state of our mind. “Are we happy?” is now an old question, and “No” is a normally accepted answer.
Media largely seems more concerned with engraining fears (from the news and movies and programs) and wants (from ads. and movies and programs). ‘Truth’ is a not a definite term. The truth as people trust it, from the news, is not intended to inform people any longer, it is to create an opinion. I believe that there was a point that the news used to inform people of what was happening around them, so that they could form their opinions based on their own experiences and unbiased information.
Films have shown how ‘crazy’ can be cool and how so many different little quirks can be connected to being crazy. I have seen quite a few films with imaginary friends and bizarre worlds and visualizations which I have thoroughly enjoyed. After a certain point I developed a secret desire to be schizophrenic, one of the inspirational films being ‘Fight Club’. I started looking for various things which would suggest that I was schizophrenic, though at the time I didn’t exactly know what schizophrenia dealt with. I developed a great interest in the human mind and its functioning around the time I was 12. I read books on body language and would study people’s behavior and try to analyze their state of mind. At some level it was intuitive or perceptive, being able to understand how people were actually feeling and thinking, and understanding their body language helped. Around 13 or 14 I started writing and swiftly moved from surface level, uninvolved writing to exploring a darker side which struck up more of an interest and seemed to bring me closer to those characters from the movies, who I had wanted to be like. The writing, at times morbid, troubled my parents and gave me a little satisfaction that my writing was able to touch someone. I explored the idea further through artistic expressions and concepts and stumbled across a fascinating storehouse of thoughts and ideas. I explored through experimentation almost all forms and walks of life that I interacted with or experienced. The medium of film and photography being the some of the most experimented with. Though again, an intense subject would cause strong reactions from people, often not through a clearly communicated narrative, but more through the feeling the film would create - its content and physical form. The reactions are a mix of good and bad, sometimes in trying to satisfy others want to be communicated to literally, I would end up reducing the feeling the film would create otherwise, which would create resentment. I don’t really care what they think, but now I have chosen to communicate the understanding of happiness and it’s been harder. I think if people try to read into it, they will read much deeper than the story and if they choose to try and enjoy it, they may find it entertaining, but if they close up and are intolerant they will be upset and hassled by the film. Considering the world we live in, with its mix of media, sights and sounds it is surprising that we are so easily hassled.
When it suits us, we can shut out the traffic, the weather, the million people around us, then it can’t be so hard to try and be happy.
Through complicated times, my faith has weaned, my drive and perseverance questioned. It has been hard and I feel defeated almost, a little depressed at times, but on the whole I am a happy person. I want to be happy and so I will try to be.